I first new I was gay or at least very interested in boys when I was about 13yo and regularly experimented with a close friend until we were both about 16. Then my partner moved and that was the end of that. At that time I was scared to experiment further and tried to conform with my mates and chase girls. I had a few relationships, but found something missing. I love female company and my partners over the years were more of a soul mate rather than a lover. Despite my fantasies, I didn’t have another relationship with a guy until about 1992 – when I realised what I was missing, and had a few short-term relationships/encounters.
In 1994 I met my wife, who had two young children 2.5yo and 4yo and was going through a horrendous separation. We fell in love and moved in together. I longed for kids and this situation suited me fine and as time went by, the kids regarded me as their Dad (partly because their mother had alienated them against their natural father, to a frightening extent – another story!). At about that time I realised that I was getting in too deep, i.e. the kids were so attached to me and myself to them, my father (who also adored my wife) had becoming critically ill and I decided to marry my wife in haste, whilst he was still alive.
My dad had always longed to see me wed. I knew it was wrong, even on the day, because in my heart I knew I was gay. But to see my fathers face made it all worth while. I realised it was totally selfish of me, but I did it and just hope things would work out with my wife. I continued with the marriage for 4 years, but met a few guys along the way. In early 1999 I met my partner whilst working overseas, and we fell in love. It was the first time in my life I really felt complete. After continuing the relationship for 6 months (and accumulating an awful lot of air miles), he decided to come to live with me in the UK. I then left my wife and kids and set-up home with my partner.
I haven’t come out to my wife or anyone else for that matter, although she obviously suspects it. Living in the same small town in North Wales proved difficult – rumours, small talk, etc., so to make things easier for my partner, I decided to move to Chester a year ago. The kids love and miss me dearly (as I miss them), especially my youngest (now 9). They come and stay with me every fortnight and try to see them in between as I still work close to them in N. Wales. I have never differentiated between been a step-dad or if I was their natural father. They firmly regard me as their dad and that all that matters to me. Now I have come to that difficult crossroads; do I come out now or delay things further? How do I prepare the kids? What about work? Can I cope with the pressure at the moment? There are so many questions, concerns and fears. Not only for me, but for the kids too. To make matters worse, my wife’s only family – her brother, lost his wife to another woman 3 years ago. His kids, my kids cousins don’t know their mums gay either (they are a similar age). It’s almost comical, movie stuff. So I am concerned how the impact of it all will effect them in time. Anyway, that’s a little bit about me.