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Story 4

From an early age l knew l fancied boys rather than girls.  My childhood, like so many others was rough due to divorcing parents and being split from my two brother’s etc and attending approx. 7 different schools in my life.  In fact life with a ‘step-Mother’ was complete hell and with her two daughters it made hell even a hotter place. 

I was a lonely person in my own little world, very confused about the crushes l had on the same sex, and there was certainly a few.  Again like so many young people there was no one to talk to.  It’s a sad fact that, l found comfort in talking, shouting and screaming to an electricity pylon along the main road to Braintree.  Each time l ran away to my Mothers l would expel my feelings and anger to this pylon, that replied in its own ‘buzzing,crackling way’, even now when l drive past it, l quietly thank it for listening.  

To cut it short, l was placed in care at the age of 14yrs old, mainly due to no one being able to except that this human being was going though hell because he needed help regarding his sexuality, and because there had been a homosexual episode in my life. 

So there l was placed in this residential unit, with this Doctor putting me on Valium and sleeping tablets, and at each session with him he would try to get me to admit that being gay was wrong, sick and evil.  Only one adult in my life at that time would give the time to talk about my feeling, and would listen and make valid comments without being judgmental, that guy was a social worker who l owe so much to.  When l told him l had a massive crush on this lad called Ian at the unit, he went out of his way to see if Ian had the same feeling. Alas he didn’t but Ian became a good friend, even though he knew l loved him.  These are two people in my life who l would love to meet again and shake them by the hand. 

I was placed in Foster Care, and during that time l had a couple of the usual experimental experiences with lads of my age, but these led to nothing.  The Foster Carers was the sort only fostering for the money, so there was no talk about my history of sexual confusion, gayness, what ever you would like to call it. 

My life was to change at about 16yrs old when l met this guy, and a relationship developed.  Suddenly l was getting the love, attention that l craved for. It was a learning curve that l enjoyed in my life, however it had its complications for both of us, such as it had to remain a secret (so we thought) and at times it was hard. The relationship lasted about two years before we parted and went our own separate ways. 

To this day l treasure that time we had together and l thank that guy for the love he showed me. 

What happened to me? Well l done the usual thing and got married to provide a smoke screen about my sexuality.  I didn’t have the confidence to live the gay life, in fact l never knew any other gay guys, so there l was getting married and setting up home.  Hating the heterosexual sex life it felt disgusting and wrong. 

So here l am married with two children aged Six and Two years old, we have been together for 16 years and married for 11 of them years.  Do l love my wife?, if a strange way l do, I feel its more like a Brother & Sister relationship, we both agree that our relationship is a strange one, but we are both happy. 

From the beginning Heterosexual sex to me was dirty, and pretty much non-existent on my side of things, much to the frustration of my wife, in fact my wife was the first female l had sex with, and l was 18yrs old when we met.  It must be said at this stage, my wife was not aware of my sexuality and past, well so l thought! 

Life for us them years ago was pretty much had its ups and down’s, mainly as l feel that not only did we live together in a run-down bed-sit, but we also worked together.  This lead to us splitting up on many occasions, this was before we was married l must add.

It was after my Daughter was born six years ago, that my sexuality came into question by my wife, this was during the regular heart to heart chats that we still have today. 

I can’t remember how it come up, but my wife suddenly mentioned that during a time that she stayed with a friend of ours on one of the many occasion’s that we spilt up, this friend had told her about the two year relationship l had with this guy!  I can still remember the feeling that went through my body at that time, it felt that every internal organ and blood had left my body.   

With this l felt that l couldn’t lie to her, and l admitted that yes l did have a relationship with a guy, and went on to tell her that l am gay.  As you can imagine I was waiting for her to explode in a fit of rage and tell me to pack my stuff and go, but imagine my shock that she didn’t do this.

We spent all night talking about this, with her asking questions upon questions, we must have gone through about 40 cigarettes each, good job we don’t drink, otherwise we would have been smashed as well. 

The short of it was that my wife was willing to except my sexuality, and she even went further to say that she would support me with regard to this.  She thanked me for being truthful, and expressed that now she was aware why our sex life was so poor. 

I was able to explain that l need to express my sexuality, as keeping it hidden for so long was draining emotionally.  Nowadays I no longer have to hide the videos or the magazines etc. in fact going shopping together is a laugh as she would point the guys that l would find cute.  My wife has also enjoyed the educational side of this issue, i.e.. Learning more about homosexuality than she did before. 

So where am I regarding gay relationships? Nowhere is the answer, that side of it is difficult, mainly its down to my lack of confidence, the not going to places to meet other gay guys etc.  Also it’s a case of me being scared that a guy would not be able to cope with a relationship of which l have to keep it hidden, as there are concerns from my wife that the family is not to no about my sexuality.  It must be said that most of the family, both sides are Homophobic.  

My wife’s only other request is that if l was to meet a guy, and she is encouraging me to do so, is that she would not want to meet that guy.  I find her requests reasonable, seeing as l am being able to be myself a lot more by being open to my wife.  Of course it does go through my mind that her attitude may change if l was to find a relationship, but that is something that we will have to wait and see what happens.  

Having not had a gay relationship for so many years, a feel scared, unsure if a guy would be interested in me, especially as l am more interested in guys younger than myself.  How l just long to feel that contact with a another guy, I feel its not just sex, its about the cuddles the chat, and that someone care for me.  I think the best way l can explain it really, is how l explained it about my first relationship many years ago. I just long for a guy to caress me, as you can imagine my fantasises are wild at times. 

Just to explain something else…………I am unable to be myself at work sexually, as l am a Social Worker and some of  my client group are young people of who’s culture is totally not accepting of Homosexuality in any form, in fact in their home country people are killed for being gay.  You may be thinking that what has my sexuality got to do with these young people, and how would they know.  If you are not aware, when you work with children in care as their social worker, nothing is secret and this can be down to those homophobic two-faced colleagues of whom are only to happy to cause trouble for you.

As for me l do the job so that l can assist that young person through this stage of their sometimes very difficult life, l would hate to think that a young person would not accept my help just because lm gay. 

Well that’s about it, lm off to seek help now, as reading through this l realised that l perhaps need it? In fact l wasn’t going to upload this, but l would be interested if there are another guys who can relate to any part of it.   

Thanks for taking the time to read this long story